This is my second post from my personal Meta (Facebook) page.
Deb's Dementia Diary: Lessons in Love & Care #2
Our wedding day was the best day of my life, and it still holds that place in my heart. From the moment I said “I do,” everything shifted as we committed ourselves fully to one another. Our vows felt effortless then, and today I live those vows in a deeper way—especially “for better or worse, in sickness and in health.”
Though Doug is the one diagnosed with Dementia and Alzheimer’s, we are walking this path together. I’m fully aware that there are illnesses far worse, but Dementia is a cruel disease. Most days, I can find a silver lining. It’s not about being a hero; it’s about holding myself together because I can’t afford to break. I need the strength to continue as his care partner, and being his wife makes that an easier journey.
For those who knew Doug before Dementia, you remember him as the funny, sharply dressed life of the party. Those who know him now see a quieter, reserved, but still well-dressed man. This transformation was one of the hardest for me to come to terms with. From spontaneous after-work BBQs to more formal dinners, we both enjoyed hosting gatherings.
Doug is no longer comfortable in groups, even small groups of four. Our days of hosting parties came to an end in 2019 when I realized how much anxiety even a small dinner gathering caused him—so much that it manifested in physical pain. As the disease progresses, communication becomes more difficult. One skill I didn't know I was going to fine-tune was my sleuthing skills. I have to be able to assess the situation and determine what the emotions or needs are behind his behavior.
Since that realization, I’ve limited the number of guests I have over at a time, always keeping Doug’s comfort in mind. If I host a lunch or a meeting, Doug knows he’s free to say hello, join us, or stay in his sanctuary—his den. Our friends understand that Doug may not greet them, and I always ask them not to take it personally; it’s the disease. Finding a balance took time and compromise. For me, success means Doug is comfortable, knows he’s welcome to engage, and, above all, is happy.
Yesterday, during a working lunch at the house one person asked if I missed entertaining. Such an innocent but poignant question was hard for me. In the few seconds it took me to respond a flood of memories from different times rolled through my thoughts and with a heavy heart, I said “yes, I do”. Those same two words, I DO.
I tell Doug, I would say, "I do again,” while he spins me dancing to one of our songs that brings a smile to my face and heart. The silver lining is the love of my life.
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